1.) I never did sneak over to your house in the dead of night and study the lay of the land in order to best gauge the path to revenge for the police taping of my bedroom prank.
2.) I never sneaked around the back of the apartment with a friend to jump out and scare you, only to be surprised by a ‘possum that was eating our trash, accidentally step on its tail, and scream bloody murder into the night.
3.) I never yelled, “Donkeys!” out the window of a car into the night near dark, flooded backwaters, causing the aforementioned Donkeys to bray in terror, hee-hawing around the field long after my excitement had faded, and thus giving birth to the long-awaited band, “Scare the Night Donkeys,” who have yet to meet, practice, or even think of a genre of music to deal in …
4.) I never stepped in the dessicated carcass of a deceased crow and had an epic meltdown that involved swearing, crying, and vigorously washing my foot in a sink in Jordan Hall.
5.) I never dropped a penny into that little separation between pants waistband and back that offers a straight path into the underwear of the victim - I mean, the recipient, of my generous gift of one whole cent, while a friend was leaning forward talking to another friend who was in a hospital bed awaiting surgery.
6.) I never sank past my knees in a “dry” lake bed and had my shoes fished out by a strange old man with a stick and a very determined friend. This totally never happened, but if it should happen to you, you should go wash your filthy feet in a public bathroom so you don’t track mud all over your own place. I suggest a Kroger.
7.) I never got a black eye from my own bedpost while carrying it out to a van during a move.
8.) I never got somersaulted out of a tire swing by two little kids, landed on my back on the ground, saw my life flash before my eyes, and got up to try it again.
9.) I never thought you would mind driving out to the Tunnel in the middle of the night on a quarter tank of gas (We’ll probably be fine, dorks. Probably.) Well, anyway, I didn’t mean to get us lost in the middle of nowhere by a bunch of river shacks on stilts with rednecks shooting guns recreationally and get our car chased by a huge German Shepherd that growled and barked a lot. That part was not intentional, but it did add a lot to the flavor of the adventure, did it not?
10.) I never set the hallway carpet on fire by fumbling a bottle of nail polish remover, spilling it into a candle’s open flame, and freaking out and running down the hallway with a bottle of fire, pouring fire on the floor in my panicked desperation to get the bottle of fire to the kitchen deck to throw it outside … instead of dropping it in the tub, toilet, or sink, all of which have water and were right by me.